The Grey Ceiling

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第一章：灰色の天井

彼は目を覚ます.見慣れた、染みだらけの灰色の天井が、ぼんやりとした意識の中に広がる.昨日と何も変わらない、今日という日の始まりだ.体は湿った粘土のように重く、指一本動かすことさえ億劫に感じる.窓の外から聞こえる鳥の声や、遠くで響く車の走行音は、まるで別の世界の出来事のようだ.彼だけが、この重力と静寂に縛り付けられている.

学校へ行くべきか、という思考が頭をよぎるが、それは問いというより、諦めに近い響きを持っていた.行っても、行かなくても、彼の世界は何も変わらない.ただ、行かなければ母親の悲しそうな顔を見ることになる.その顔を見る苦痛と、学校へ行く苦痛を天秤にかけ、彼はゆっくりと体を起こした.軋む関節の一つ一つが、彼の存在そのものへの抗議のように感じられた.

第二章：使い捨ての優しさ

教室のドアを開けると、喧騒が一瞬だけ彼の方を向くが、すぐに元の雑音に戻る.彼の存在は、空気中の塵のようなものだ.「よぉ、昨日休んだんだって？ノート、見せてくれよ」.一人が親しげに肩を叩いてくるが、その目には何の感情も宿っていない.彼の病気は、クラスメートにとっては便利な道具でしかない.彼が断れないことを知っていて、彼が役に立つ時だけ、彼らは「友達」の仮面を被る.

彼は無言でノートを差し出す.ありがとう、という言葉は軽い風のように彼の耳を通り過ぎていく.彼らはノートの中身だけを必要としているのであって、そのノートを書いた彼の手や、その時間、その苦痛には何の興味も示さない.彼は、自分が便利な文房具になったような気分だった.使い古され、インクがなくなれば、誰にも見向きもされずに捨てられる、そんな存在だ.

第三章：空っぽの席

ひどい頭痛と倦怠感で学校を休んだ次の日、彼は自分の席に何の変化もないことを確認する.誰かからの「大丈夫か？」というメモがあるわけでもなく、連絡事項が書かれたプリントが置かれているわけでもない.まるで、彼が昨日そこにいなかったことすら、誰も気づいていないかのようだ.彼の不在は、教室というパズルから一つのピースが欠けても、誰も気に留めないほど些細なことなのだ.

彼は静かに椅子に座る.周りの生徒たちは昨日のテレビ番組の話や、週末の予定について楽しそうに話している.その笑い声の輪の中に、彼の入る隙間はない.彼は存在しているのに、存在していない.この感覚は、体の痛みよりもずっと鋭く、深く、彼の心を抉る.空っぽなのは、机の上だけではなかった.彼の心も、世界との繋がりも、すべてが空っぽだった.

第四章：影との会話

昼休み.教室のあちこちで弁当の包みを開ける音がする中、彼は一人、席を立って窓際へ向かう.窓ガラスに映る自分の姿は、幽霊のように青白く、生気がない.外では、他の生徒たちがボールを追いかけ、笑い声を上げている.太陽の光が眩しくて、彼は目を細めた.その光が、自分だけを避けているように感じられた.

彼の足元には、黒く、細長い影が伸びている.彼はその影を見つめた.誰にも話せない言葉、誰にも見せられない感情、そのすべてを、この影だけは黙って受け止めてくれる.彼は心の中で影に話しかける.「今日も、痛いんだ」.影は何も答えない.ただ、彼が动けば動き、彼が止まれば止まる.決して彼を裏切らず、決して彼から離れない、唯一の忠実な友人だった.

第五章：医者の言葉

診察室の白い壁は、彼の未来と同じくらい無機質で、何も描かれていないように見えた.「変わりないですね.無理はしないように」.白衣を着た医者は、カルテに何かを書き込みながら、いつもと同じ言葉を繰り返す.その声には、何の感情も込められていない.それは診断ではなく、ただの決まり文句、彼という患者を処理するための作業工程の一つに過ぎなかった.

「無理をしない」.その言葉の意味を、彼は考える.学校へ行くこと、勉強をすること、息をすること、生きていることそのものが、彼にとっては「無理」をすることだった.無理をしなければ、彼はベッドの上で天井を見つめ続けるだけの肉塊になる.医者の言葉は、彼に「何もしなくていい」と言っているようで、同時に「お前には何もできない」と宣告しているようでもあった.それは優しさではなく、静かなる絶望への招待状だった.

第六章：利用される価値

「なあ、お前の家、今日親いないんだろ？ゲームしに行ってもいいか？」.放課後、数人が彼を取り囲む.彼らは彼の体調を気遣う素振りも見せず、ただ彼の家の「利用価値」について話している.彼の家は、親の監視がなく、自由に騒げる便利な「場所」.そして彼は、その場所への鍵を持っているだけの「門番」に過ぎない.

彼は「いいよ」と短く答える.断れば、今度こそ彼らは彼を完全に無視するだろう.利用されることでしか、彼は人との繋がりを維持できない.彼らは彼の部屋で大声で笑い、お菓子を散らかし、彼がそこにいることなど忘れたかのように振る舞う.彼は部屋の隅で、その光景をぼんやりと眺めている.自分は、この部屋の家具か何かになったのだろうか.そんなことを考えていた.

第七章：偽りの笑い声

友人たちの輪の中心に、彼はいない.輪郭に沿うように、かろうじて存在しているだけだ.彼らの会話は、彼の知らない話題ばかりで、時折同意を求めるように彼に視線が向けられるが、彼は曖昧に頷くことしかできない.彼が何かを話そうとすると、誰かのより大きな声にかき消されるか、興味のないような相槌が返ってくるだけだった.

彼らの爆笑が部屋に響くたび、彼は見えない壁が自分の周りに築かれていくのを感じる.その笑いは、彼を歓迎するためのものではなく、彼という異物を排除するための結界のようだった.彼は、その輪の中にいることで、一人でいる時よりもっと深い孤独を感じていた.透明人間になった気分だった.すぐそこにいるのに、誰の目にも映らない.

第八章：消えた約束

「週末、調子よかったら見舞いに行くよ」.そう言った友人がいた.その一言に、彼の心はほんの少しだけ揺れた.期待してはいけない.そう自分に言い聞かせながらも、土曜の午後、彼は何度も窓の外を眺め、インターホンの音に耳を澄ませていた.しかし、日は傾き、空は暗くなり、彼の部屋を訪れる者は誰もいなかった.

日曜日も同じだった.携帯電話は一度も鳴らなかった.月曜日に学校へ行くと、その友人は「ごめん、急に用事ができて」と悪びれもなく言った.その顔には、罪悪感のかけらもなかった.彼にとって、その約束は最初から存在しないものだったのだ.期待した自分が馬鹿だった.心にまた一つ、消えない傷が刻まれた.人は、平気で嘘をつく生き物なのだ.

第九章：静かな痛み

体の節々が痛む.頭が割れるように痛む.でも、それよりもずっと、心が痛かった.この痛みは、誰にも見えない.誰にも理解されない.だからこそ、どうしようもなく孤独だった.「気の持ちようだ」と大人は言う.でも、違う.これは、確かに存在する痛みだ.まるで、心臓を冷たい手で鷲掴みにされているような、鈍くて、重くて、終わりのない痛み.

彼は、自分の感情を表現する言葉を失っていた.悲しい、寂しい、辛い.どの言葉も、この胸の奥にある巨大な空洞を説明するには、あまりにも陳腐で、軽すぎた.彼はただ、痛みに耐える.夜、ベッドの中で、彼は息を潜めて、この静かな絶望が嵐のように過ぎ去るのを待つ.しかし、嵐が止むことは決してなかった.

第十章：偽りの希望

「きっと良くなる」.その言葉を、彼はこれまでに何百回と聞かされてきただろう.親、親戚、医者、先生.誰もが善意の顔で、その呪文を唱える.しかし、その言葉は彼の心には届かず、空中で霧散してしまう.それは希望ではなく、彼らを安心させるための気休めでしかないことを、彼は知っていた.彼らは彼の回復を願っているのではなく、病気の彼と向き合うという面倒から解放されたいだけなのだ.

本当の希望は、そんなに軽々しい言葉ではないはずだ.それは、暗闇の奥でかろうじて見える、遠くて小さな光のようなもので、手を伸ばしても決して届かないかもしれない、儚いものだ.人々が与えようとする「希望」は、眩しいだけの偽物の太陽だった.目を焼くだけで、少しも暖かくはない.彼は、そんな偽物の光から顔を背け、再び自分の内なる暗闇を見つめた.

第十一章：新しい光

転校生が来た.彼の名前はハル.前の席に座った彼は、休み時間に突然、彼の方を振り返った.「君のノートの隅に描いてある絵、好きだな」.その言葉は、彼の予期しない角度から飛んできた鋭い光のようだった.いつもはノートの中身しか見られないのに.利用価値のある部分ではなく、彼が無意識に漏らした、彼自身の一部を、ハルは見てくれたのだ.

彼は驚きのあまり、何も言えなかった.ただ、ハルを見つめ返す.ハルの目には、クラスメートたちのような、値踏みするような色合いはなかった.ただ、純粋な好奇心と、親しみやすさが浮かんでいる.彼は、何年も使っていなかった心の筋肉が、ピクリと動くのを感じた.それは戸惑いであり、同時に、ほんのわずかな、危険な期待の芽生えでもあった.

第十二章：戸惑いの昼食

「一緒に弁当、食べよう」.ハルは、それがごく自然なことであるかのように、屈託のない笑顔で言った.彼の周りだけ、空気が違うように感じられた.彼は、その誘いをどう受け取っていいのか分からなかった.何か裏があるのではないか.明日にはノートを貸せと言われるための布石ではないか.疑念が次々と湧き上がってくる.

しかし、ハルのあまりにもまっすぐな視線に、彼は「うん」と頷くことしかできなかった.ハルは彼の隣の席に椅子を持ってきて座り、自分の弁当を広げた.他愛のない話をしながら、時々彼に質問を投げかける.彼は、短い言葉でしか答えられない.食べ物の味は、ほとんどしなかった.ただ、誰かと向かい合って食事をするという行為そのものが、彼をひどく緊張させ、疲れさせた.

第十三章：逃げる準備

ハルは、次の日も、その次の日も、彼に話しかけてきた.その優しさは、彼にとって心地よいものであると同時に、鋭い針の上を歩いているような不安を掻き立てた.人は、与えられれば与えられるほど、それを失うことを恐れるようになる.この親切は、いつまで続くのだろう.いつ、ハルは彼の病気や、彼の陰気な性格にうんざりして、離れていくのだろうか.

彼は心の中で、常に逃げる準備をしていた.ハルが少しでも眉をひそめたり、ため息をついたりしたら、すぐに自分から離れよう.そうすれば、捨てられる前に、自分で自分を終わらせることができる.傷つくのは同じでも、その痛みは少しはましになるはずだ.彼は、ハルとの間に見えない壁を築き、その壁に寄りかかりながら、友情という名の危険なゲームを続けていた.

第十四章：小さな罪悪感

「また明日ね」.ハルは、別れ際にいつもそう言って手を振る.その無邪気な一言が、彼の胸に重くのしかかる.「僕みたいな奴と一緒にいて、迷惑じゃないだろうか」.その思いが、頭から離れない.彼はハルに何も返せていない.面白い話もできなければ、一緒に遊びに行くこともままならない.ただ、ハルの優しさを受け取るだけの存在だ.

それは、まるで寄生虫のようではないか.彼は、ハルの明るさやエネルギーを吸い取って生きているだけなのではないか.そう考えると、ハルと過ごす時間に、小さな罪悪感が常に付きまとうようになった.優しさを受け取ることは、彼にとって当然の権利ではなかった.それは、いつか返さなければならない、重い負債のように感じられた.

第十五章：疑いの影

教室で、ハルが他の生徒たちと楽しそうに話しているのを見ると、彼の心は冷たくなる.特に、クラスの中心人物である亮と笑い合っている姿は、彼の胸をナイフで抉るようだった.ほら、やっぱりそうだ.僕なんかよりも、亮みたいな明るくて健康な人間の方が、ハルにとっては楽しいに決まっている.僕に飽きて、新しい友達を見つけたんだ.

ハルが彼に気づいて手を振っても、彼はぎこちなく笑い返すことしかできない.心の中では、疑念の影がどんどん大きく膨らんでいく.「君の絵が好きだ」と言った言葉も、ただの気まぐれだったのかもしれない.「一緒に食べよう」という誘いも、転校生が一人でいるのが嫌だっただけかもしれない.一度芽生えた不信感は、ハルのすべての言動を歪めて見せた.

第十六章：見えない壁

彼は、無意識のうちにハルを避けるようになっていた.ハルが話しかけてきても、短い返事しかしなかった.昼休みには、ハルが来る前に教室を出て、人気のない廊下の隅で時間を潰した.傷つくのが怖かった.ハルから「もう君とは一緒にいられない」と言われる前に、自分から関係を断ち切ってしまいたかった.

それは、臆病な自己防衛だった.彼は、自分の周りに高く、厚い壁を築き上げ、その中に閉じこもった.壁の内側は安全だが、孤独だった.時々、壁の向こうからハルの声が聞こえるような気がしたが、彼は耳を塞いだ.これ以上、誰にも心をかき乱されたくなかった.静かな絶望の中にいる方が、偽りの希望に振り回されるよりもずっとましだった.

第十七章：問われた沈黙

「最近、何か怒ってる？それとも、僕、何かしたかな」.ある日の放課後、ハルは彼の帰り道で待ち伏せしていた.その顔は、真剣で、心配の色が浮かんでいた.彼の沈黙と回避が、ついにハルをここまで追い詰めたのだ.彼は、ハルを傷つけている自分に気づき、さらに自己嫌悪に陥った.

「違う、怒ってなんかない」.彼は俯いたまま、かろうじて声を絞り出した.本当のことを言えるはずがなかった.「君が僕に飽きて、離れていくのが怖いんだ」なんて、どうして言えるだろう.そんなことを言えば、彼は重荷になり、本当に嫌われてしまう.だから、彼は黙るしかなかった.彼の沈黙は、二人の間に深い溝を作り、その溝はどんどん広がっていくようだった.

第十八章：奪われる時間

クラスの人気者である亮が、ハルを自分のグループに引き入れようとする動きは、日に日に露骨になっていった.亮は常にハルの隣にいて、週末には遊びに誘った.ハルも、断りきれないのか、あるいは本当に楽しいのか、亮たちと過ごす時間が増えていった.彼は、その光景を遠くから見ていることしかできなかった.

昼食の時間、ハルが彼の元に来る回数が減った.放課後、一緒に帰ることもなくなった.まるで、彼の持っていた唯一の宝物が、少しずつ、しかし確実に、他の誰かに奪われていくようだった.彼は亮を憎んだ.そして、そんな亮に簡単になびいてしまうハルにも、失望を感じ始めていた.何より、何もできずにただ指をくわえて見ているだけの、無力な自分が一番嫌いだった.

第十九章：引き裂かれる心

ハルは、板挟みになっているようだった.亮たちと過ごしている時でも、時折、心配そうに彼の様子を窺っているのが分かった.そして、たまに二人きりになると、「最近、あまり話せてないね.ごめん」と申し訳なさそうに言った.その言葉は、彼を安堵させると同時に、深く傷つけた.ハルの優しさは、今は同情や義務感から来るもののように感じられたからだ.

彼は、自分がハルの重荷になっていることを、痛いほど感じていた.彼さえいなければ、ハルはもっと自由に、罪悪感を感じることなく、亮たちと楽しく過ごせるのだろう.彼は、ハルの幸せを願う気持ちと、ハルを独り占めしたいという醜い独占欲との間で、心が引き裂かれそうだった.友達でいたい.でも、友達でいることが、こんなにも苦しい.

第二十章：孤独への逆戻り

「ごめん、今日も亮たちと約束があって…」.ついに、ハルは昼食の誘いを断った.その謝罪の言葉は、彼にとって死刑宣告のように響いた.彼は大丈夫だよと無理に笑ってみせたが、心の中では何かが崩れ落ちる音がした.予感は的中したのだ.彼は、また一人になった.

その日の午後、彼は授業の内容が全く頭に入ってこなかった.ただ、空っぽになった隣の席の、ハルの笑い声が幻のように聞こえるだけだった.一度手にした温もりを失うことは、最初から何も持っていなかった時よりも、ずっと残酷だった.彼は、より深く、より暗い孤独の淵へと、ゆっくりと沈んでいった.

第二十一章：雨の中の待ち人

冷たい雨が降る放課後だった.彼は、ハルにどうしても渡したい本があって、校門の前で彼を待っていた.傘もささずに、雨に打たれながら.体調が悪いことも忘れて、ただ一点を見つめていた.ハルなら、きっと自分のことを気にかけてくれるはずだ.そんな、最後の僅かな希望に縋っていた.

やがて、見慣れた人影が見えた.ハルだ.しかし、彼の隣には亮たちがいた.彼らは一本の大きな傘の中で、肩を寄せ合い、楽しそうに笑いながら彼の目の前を通り過ぎていった.ハルは、一度も彼の方を見なかった.雨に濡れて佇む彼の存在に、全く気づいていないようだった.希望の最後の糸が、プツリと音を立てて切れた.

第二十二章：壊れた信頼

全身ずぶ濡れになって家に帰った彼は、その夜、高熱を出した.暗闇の中で、彼は一つの決意を固めていた.もう誰も信じない.期待しない.そうすれば、もう傷つくことはない.裏切られることもない.友情なんて、所詮は気まぐれで、都合のいい関係に過ぎないのだ.

ハルがくれた優しさも、結局は偽物だったのだ.彼は、自分の周りに築いた壁を、さらに高く、さらに厚く塗り固めた.どんな光も届かない、どんな声も聞こえない、完璧な要塞を.その中で、彼は自分の心を氷のように凍らせた.もう二度と、誰にも溶かされることのないように.

第二十三章：本当の病

熱に浮かされながら、彼は考えていた.体の病気は、もしかしたら言い訳に過ぎなかったのかもしれない.人々が彼から離れていくための、そして彼が人々を遠ざけるための、都合のいい口実.本当の病は、もっと根深いところにある.人を信じることを極端に恐れ、優しさを受け取ることを拒絶し、自分は不幸であると思い込むことでしか自己を保てない、この歪んだ心こそが、彼の本当の病だった.

この病は、どんな薬でも治らない.どんな医者にも治せない.彼自身が生み出し、彼自身が育ててきた、巨大な怪物だ.そして彼は、その怪物に完全に飲み込まれようとしていた.体の痛みは、この心の痛みに比べれば、些細なことに思えた.

第二十四章：探しに来た人

熱が少し下がった週末の午後、不意に玄関のドアをノックする音がした.彼は無視した.どうせ、何かの勧誘だろう.しかし、ノックは執拗に続いた.そして、「いるんだろ？開けてくれよ」という、聞き慣れた声がした.ハルだった.なぜ、今さら.彼はベッドから動かなかった.

しかし、ハルは諦めなかった.しばらくして、彼は家の裏に回ったのか、彼の部屋の窓をコンコンと叩いた.「昨日、学校で顔色が悪かったから、心配で来たんだ.雨に濡れてたって聞いたから」.その言葉に、彼の凍りついた心が、ほんの少しだけ軋む音がした.

第二十五章：零れた本音

彼は、衝動的に窓を開けていた.「何しに来たんだよ！」.彼の声は、自分でも驚くほど、怒りに満ちていた.「心配してるふりなんて、もうやめろよ！どうせ君も、僕みたいな面倒な奴、嫌になるに決まってる！みんないなくなるんだ！だったら、最初から優しくなんてするな！」

言葉は、堰を切ったように溢れ出した.それは、これまで彼が飲み込んできた、すべての絶望と不信の塊だった.涙が視界を滲ませ、ハルの顔が歪んで見える.彼は、自分が何を言っているのかも、もう分からなかった.ただ、この胸の痛みを、誰かにぶつけずにはいられなかった.

第二十六章：静かな抱擁

ハルは、彼の罵詈雑言を、ただ黙って聞いていた.そして、彼が言葉を切らし、嗚咽を漏らし始めた時、ハルは窓枠を乗り越えて部屋に入ってきた.そして、何も言わずに、震える彼の体を強く抱きしめた.それは、同情や気休めではない、確かな温かさと力強さを持った抱擁だった.

「ごめん」.しばらくして、ハルが彼の耳元で囁いた.「気づいてやれなくて、ごめん.お前がそんなに苦しんでるなんて、知らなかった」.その声もまた、少し震えていた.彼は、ハルの腕の中で、ただ子供のように泣き続けた.誰かに抱きしめられるのが、こんなにも温かいものだということを、彼は忘れかけていた.

第二十七章：差し出された手

泣き疲れた彼が落ち着いた頃、ハルは静かに口を開いた.「僕は、いなくならないよ」.その言葉には、何の飾りもなかった.だが、それ故に、彼の心に深く突き刺さった.「迷惑だとか、重荷だとか、お前が勝手に決めるなよ.俺は、お前の友達でいたいから、ここにいるんだ」.

ハルは、まっすぐな瞳で彼を見つめた.その瞳の中に、嘘や偽りは見つけられなかった.あるのは、不器用だが、誠実な思いだけだった.彼の心の要塞に、初めて外から光が差し込んだ.それは、まだ頼りない、小さな光だったが、確かに彼の暗闇を照らしていた.

第二十八章：小さな一歩

次の週、学校へ行った彼は、昼休み、自分からハルの席へ向かった.心臓は、破裂しそうなほど鳴っていた.足は、鉛のように重かった.たった数メートルの距離が、何キロメートルにも感じられた.そして、彼はハルの前で立ち止まり、かろうじて声を絞り出した.「一緒に…食べないか」.

ハルは一瞬驚いた顔をしたが、すぐに、太陽のような笑顔になった.「当たり前だろ！」.その一言で、彼の体から力が抜けていくのを感じた.その日の昼食は、まだ少し緊張したが、前のように味がしないということはなかった.それは、彼が自分の意志で踏み出した、とてつもなく大きな一歩だった.

第二十九章：まだ残る影

もちろん、すべてが解決したわけではなかった.亮がハルに話しかけるのを見れば、まだ胸の奥がチクリと痛んだ.クラスメートたちの無神経な言葉に、傷つくこともあった.ふとした瞬間に、「ハルもいつかいなくなるんじゃないか」という不安が、黒い影のように心をよぎることもあった.

長年彼を支配してきた不信と絶望の怪物は、そう簡単には消えてくれない.それは、彼の心の一部になってしまっている.しかし、前とは決定的に違うことが一つあった.彼には今、その影と一人で戦わなくてもいい、と思える相手がいた.その事実が、彼をかろうじて支えていた.

第三十章：本物の希望

彼は目を覚ます.相変わらず、染みだらけの灰色の天井だ.体も、まだ重い.世界は、昨日と何も変わっていない.でも、彼は知っている.学校へ行けば、「無理すんなよ」と不器用に笑う友人がいることを.その存在は、彼の病気を治しはしないし、世界が彼に優しくなる保証もない.

それでも、そのたった一つの繋がりが、彼にとっての世界そのものだった.それは、大人が言うような、眩しくて軽々しい希望ではない.暗くて冷たい現実の中で、かろうじて見つけた、小さくて、温かい、本物の光の欠片.彼は、その光を失わないように、そっと胸に抱きしめながら、また今日という一日を、ゆっくりと歩き始めるのだった.

English Translation

Chapter 1: The Gray Ceiling

He wakes up. The familiar, stained, gray ceiling spreads across his hazy consciousness. It's the start of a day no different from yesterday. His body feels as heavy as damp clay, and even lifting a single finger feels like a chore. The sound of birds from outside the window and the distant hum of cars feel like events from another world. He alone is bound by this gravity and silence.

The thought of whether he should go to school crosses his mind, but it has the ring of resignation rather than a question. Whether he goes or not, his world won't change. But if he doesn't go, he'll have to see his mother's sad face. Weighing the pain of seeing her face against the pain of going to school, he slowly sits up. Each creaking joint feels like a protest against his very existence.

Chapter 2: Disposable Kindness

When he opens the classroom door, the noise turns toward him for a moment before returning to its usual din. His presence is like a speck of dust in the air. "Hey, you were out yesterday, right? Let me see your notes." Someone pats his shoulder familiarly, but there's no emotion in their eyes. His illness is nothing more than a convenient tool for his classmates. Knowing he can't refuse, they put on the mask of a "friend" only when he is useful.

He hands over his notebook without a word. The word "thanks" blows past his ear like a light breeze. They only need the contents of the notebook; they show no interest in the hand that wrote it, the time it took, or the pain involved. He feels as though he has become a piece of stationery. Used up and, once the ink runs out, discarded without a second glance.

Chapter 3: The Empty Seat

The day after staying home from school with a terrible headache and fatigue, he confirms that nothing has changed at his desk. There is no note from anyone asking "Are you okay?", nor are there any handouts with class information. It's as if no one even noticed he wasn't there yesterday. His absence is so trivial that no one cares if a piece is missing from the puzzle of the classroom.

He sits quietly in his chair. The students around him are talking happily about last night's TV shows and their plans for the weekend. There is no space for him in their circle of laughter. He exists, and yet he does not. This feeling is far sharper and deeper than any physical pain, gouging out his heart. It wasn't just his desk that was empty. His heart, his connection to the world, everything was empty.

Chapter 4: A Conversation with a Shadow

Lunch break. As the sound of unwrapping lunch boxes fills the classroom, he stands up alone and heads to the window. His reflection in the glass is pale and lifeless, like a ghost. Outside, other students are chasing a ball, laughing. The sunlight is so bright he has to squint. It feels as though the light is avoiding only him.

At his feet, a long, black shadow stretches out. He stares at it. The words he can't speak to anyone, the emotions he can't show anyone—only this shadow silently accepts them all. He speaks to the shadow in his mind. "It hurts again today." The shadow doesn't answer. It just moves when he moves and stops when he stops. It is his only faithful friend, one that will never betray him, never leave him.

Chapter 5: The Doctor's Words

The white walls of the examination room seem as sterile and blank as his future. "No changes. Don't push yourself too hard." The doctor in the white coat repeats the same words as always while scribbling something in the medical chart. There's no emotion in his voice. It's not a diagnosis, just a platitude, one step in the process of dealing with the patient known as him.

"Don't push yourself." He thinks about what those words mean. Going to school, studying, breathing, the very act of living is "pushing himself." If he doesn't push himself, he will become a mere lump of flesh staring at the ceiling from his bed. The doctor's words seem to say "You don't have to do anything," and at the same time, they feel like a declaration: "You can't do anything." It isn't kindness; it's an invitation to quiet despair.

Chapter 6: A Value to be Used

"Hey, your parents aren't home today, right? Can we come over to play games?" After school, a few people surround him. They show no sign of concern for his health; they only talk about the "utility" of his house. His house is a convenient "place" where they can be loud without parental supervision. And he is merely the "gatekeeper" who holds the key to that place.

He answers curtly, "Sure." If he refused, they would surely ignore him completely from now on. He can only maintain connections with people by being used. They laugh loudly in his room, scatter snack wrappers, and act as if they've forgotten he's even there. He watches the scene blankly from the corner of the room. Have I become a piece of furniture? he wonders.

Chapter 7: Fake Laughter

He is not at the center of his friends' circle. He barely exists, clinging to its outline. Their conversations are full of topics he knows nothing about, and though they sometimes glance at him as if seeking agreement, he can only nod vaguely. If he tries to say something, his voice is either drowned out by someone louder or met with a disinterested mumble.

Every time their roars of laughter echo in the room, he feels an invisible wall being built around him. The laughter isn't meant to welcome him; it's like a barrier meant to exclude him, the foreign object. By being in that circle, he feels a loneliness deeper than when he is alone. He feels like an invisible man. Right there, yet unseen by anyone.

Chapter 8: The Broken Promise

"I'll come visit on the weekend if you're feeling up to it," a friend had said. For a moment, his heart fluttered at those words. Don't get your hopes up, he told himself, but on Saturday afternoon, he found himself repeatedly looking out the window, listening for the sound of the doorbell. But the sun set, the sky grew dark, and no one came to his room.

Sunday was the same. His phone never rang. When he went to school on Monday, the friend said without a hint of remorse, "Sorry, something came up." There wasn't a trace of guilt on his face. For that friend, the promise had never existed in the first place. I was a fool for hoping. Another permanent scar was carved into his heart. People are creatures who lie without a second thought.

Chapter 9: The Quiet Pain

His joints ache. His head is splitting. But far worse, his heart hurts. This pain is invisible to everyone. It's not understood by anyone. That's why it is so unbearably lonely. "It's all in your head," the adults say. But they're wrong. This is a real pain. A dull, heavy, endless ache, as if his heart were being squeezed by a cold hand.

He had lost the words to express his feelings. Sad, lonely, painful. All these words were too cliché, too light to describe the enormous void deep in his chest. He just endures the pain. At night, in bed, he holds his breath and waits for this quiet despair to pass like a storm. But the storm never ceases.

Chapter 10: False Hope

"You'll surely get better." How many hundreds of times has he heard those words? Parents, relatives, doctors, teachers. Everyone chants the spell with a well-meaning face. But the words don't reach his heart; they dissipate into thin air. He knows it isn't hope, just a platitude to reassure them. They don't wish for his recovery; they just want to be free from the trouble of dealing with a sick person.

Real hope shouldn't be such a flippant thing. It should be a faint, distant light, barely visible in the depths of darkness, something fragile that you might never reach even if you stretch out your hand. The "hope" people try to give him is a fake sun, blindingly bright. It only burns the eyes; it offers no warmth. He turns his face away from such a false light and gazes once more into his own inner darkness.

Chapter 11: A New Light

A transfer student arrived. His name was Haru. Sitting in the seat in front of him, he suddenly turned around during a break. "I like the drawings in the corner of your notebook." The words were like a sharp ray of light coming from an unexpected angle. Usually, people only saw the content of his notes. Not the useful part, but a part of himself that he had unconsciously let slip—Haru saw that.

He was too surprised to say anything. He just stared back at Haru. Haru's eyes lacked the appraising look of his classmates. There was only pure curiosity and approachability. He felt a muscle in his heart that hadn't been used in years twitch. It was bewilderment, and at the same time, the budding of a tiny, dangerous expectation.

Chapter 12: A Bewildering Lunch

"Let's eat lunch together." Haru said it with a carefree smile, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The air around him felt different. He didn't know how to take the invitation. Was there an ulterior motive? Was this a setup to ask him to lend his notes tomorrow? Doubts welled up one after another.

However, faced with Haru's incredibly direct gaze, he could only nod and say, "Yeah." Haru brought a chair to the desk next to him and sat down, opening his own lunch box. He made small talk, occasionally asking him questions. He could only answer in short phrases. He could barely taste his food. The simple act of eating a meal facing someone else made him terribly nervous and exhausted.

Chapter 13: Preparing to Escape

Haru talked to him the next day, and the day after that. His kindness was comforting, but at the same time, it stirred an anxiety like walking on sharp needles. The more one is given, the more one fears losing it. How long would this kindness last? When would Haru get tired of his illness, of his gloomy personality, and leave?

In his heart, he was always preparing to run. If Haru so much as frowned or sighed, he would immediately distance himself. That way, he could end it himself before being abandoned. It would still hurt, but the pain would be a little more bearable. He built an invisible wall between himself and Haru, and leaning against that wall, he continued the dangerous game called friendship.

Chapter 14: A Small Guilt

"See you tomorrow." Haru always said that and waved when they parted. That innocent phrase weighed heavily on his chest. "Isn't it a bother for him to be with someone like me?" The thought wouldn't leave his mind. He wasn't giving Haru anything in return. He couldn't tell interesting stories, nor could he easily go out to play. He was just a being that only received Haru's kindness.

Isn't that like a parasite? Isn't he just sucking up Haru's brightness and energy to live? Thinking this way, a small sense of guilt always accompanied his time with Haru. Receiving kindness was not his right. It felt like a heavy debt that he would one day have to repay.

Chapter 15: The Shadow of Doubt

Seeing Haru talking happily with other students in the classroom made his heart turn cold. Especially seeing him laugh with Ryo, the center of the class, was like a knife twisting in his chest. See, I knew it. Someone bright and healthy like Ryo is definitely more fun for Haru than someone like me. He's tired of me and found a new friend.

Even when Haru noticed him and waved, he could only manage an awkward smile in return. Inside, the shadow of doubt grew larger and larger. The words "I like your drawings" might have just been a whim. The invitation to "eat together" might have just been because the transfer student didn't want to be alone. Once it sprouted, this distrust distorted all of Haru's words and actions.

Chapter 16: The Invisible Wall

Unconsciously, he began to avoid Haru. Even when Haru spoke to him, he would only give short replies. During lunch break, he would leave the classroom before Haru arrived and kill time in an empty corner of the hallway. He was afraid of getting hurt. He wanted to sever the relationship himself before Haru could say, "I can't be with you anymore."

It was a cowardly act of self-defense. He built a high, thick wall around himself and locked himself inside. It was safe inside the wall, but it was lonely. Sometimes he thought he could hear Haru's voice from the other side of the wall, but he covered his ears. He didn't want his heart to be disturbed by anyone anymore. It was far better to be in quiet despair than to be toyed with by false hope.

Chapter 17: The Questioned Silence

"Are you angry about something lately? Or... did I do something?" One day after school, Haru was waiting for him on his way home. His face was serious, tinged with worry. His silence and avoidance had finally cornered Haru. Realizing he was hurting Haru, he fell even deeper into self-loathing.

"No, I'm not angry," he managed to squeeze out, his head down. He couldn't possibly tell the truth. How could he say, "I'm scared you'll get tired of me and leave"? If he said that, he would become a burden and truly be hated. So he had to remain silent. His silence created a deep chasm between them, a chasm that seemed to widen with every passing moment.

Chapter 18: Stolen Time

Ryo, the popular kid in class, became more and more blatant in his attempts to pull Haru into his group. Ryo was always by Haru's side, inviting him out on weekends. Whether because he couldn't refuse or because he was genuinely having fun, Haru began spending more time with them. He could only watch the scene from a distance.

The number of times Haru came to him during lunch decreased. They stopped walking home together after school. It was as if the only treasure he had was being slowly but surely stolen by someone else. He hated Ryo. And he was beginning to feel disappointed in Haru for being so easily swayed by him. More than anything, he hated himself for being so powerless, for doing nothing but watch.

Chapter 19: A Torn Heart

Haru seemed to be caught in the middle. Even when he was with Ryo's group, he could see Haru occasionally glancing his way with a worried look. And when they were alone, Haru would say apologetically, "We haven't talked much lately. Sorry." Those words both relieved and deeply wounded him. Haru's kindness now felt like it stemmed from pity or a sense of duty.

He felt with painful clarity that he was a burden to Haru. If he weren't around, Haru could have more fun with Ryo and the others, freely and without guilt. His heart felt like it was being torn apart, caught between the desire for Haru's happiness and the ugly possessiveness of wanting Haru all to himself. I want to be his friend. But being his friend is this painful.

Chapter 20: A Relapse into Solitude

"Sorry, I have plans with Ryo and the others today, too..." Finally, Haru turned down his lunch invitation. The words of apology sounded like a death sentence to him. He forced a smile and said it was okay, but inside, he heard the sound of something crumbling. His premonition had come true. He was alone again.

That afternoon, he couldn't absorb any of the class material. All he could hear was the ghost of Haru's laughter from the now-empty seat next to him. To lose the warmth you once held is far crueler than to have never had it at all. He sank slowly into a deeper, darker abyss of solitude.

Chapter 21: Waiting in the Rain

It was a cold, rainy afternoon after school. There was a book he absolutely had to give Haru, so he waited for him in front of the school gate. Without an umbrella, beaten by the rain. Forgetting his own poor health, he just stared at one spot. Haru will surely worry about me. He was clinging to that last, tiny sliver of hope.

Eventually, a familiar figure came into view. It was Haru. But Ryo and the others were next to him. They were huddled under one large umbrella, passing by right in front of him, laughing happily. Haru never once looked his way. He seemed completely unaware of his presence, standing there drenched in the rain. The last thread of hope snapped.

Chapter 22: Broken Trust

He returned home soaked to the bone and came down with a high fever that night. In the darkness, he made a firm resolution. He would never trust anyone again. Never expect anything. That way, he would never be hurt. Never be betrayed. Friendship, after all, is nothing more than a fickle, convenient relationship.

The kindness Haru had shown him was also a fake, in the end. He reinforced the wall he had built around himself, making it even higher, even thicker. A perfect fortress that no light could penetrate, no voice could reach. Inside it, he froze his heart like ice. So that it could never be melted by anyone again.

Chapter 23: The Real Sickness

As the fever raged, he thought. Maybe his physical illness was just an excuse. A convenient pretext for people to leave him, and for him to push people away. The real sickness lay somewhere deeper. This twisted heart, which was terrified of trusting people, which refused to accept kindness, which could only maintain its sense of self by believing it was miserable—that was his real sickness.

This sickness couldn't be cured by any medicine. It couldn't be fixed by any doctor. It was a giant monster he himself had created, he himself had nurtured. And now, he was about to be completely swallowed by it. The pain in his body seemed trivial compared to the pain in his heart.

Chapter 24: The One Who Came Looking

On a weekend afternoon when his fever had slightly subsided, there was a sudden knock on the front door. He ignored it. It was probably just some solicitor. But the knocking continued persistently. Then, a familiar voice called out, "I know you're in there. Open up." It was Haru. Why now? He didn't move from his bed.

But Haru didn't give up. A little later, he must have gone around to the back of the house, because he started tapping on his bedroom window. "You looked pale at school yesterday, so I came because I was worried. I heard you were standing in the rain." At those words, he felt a faint creak in his frozen heart.

Chapter 25: The Spoken Truth

He had impulsively opened the window. "What are you doing here?!" His own voice was filled with a rage that surprised even him. "Stop pretending to be worried! You're just going to get sick of a troublesome guy like me anyway! Everyone leaves! So don't be nice to me in the first place!"

The words burst out as if a dam had broken. They were a mass of all the despair and distrust he had swallowed for so long. Tears blurred his vision, distorting Haru's face. He no longer knew what he was saying. He just had to vent the pain in his chest on someone.

Chapter 26: A Quiet Embrace

Haru just stood there silently, listening to his tirade. Then, when he ran out of words and started to sob, Haru climbed through the window into his room. And without a word, he pulled his trembling body into a strong embrace. It wasn't a hug of pity or comfort, but one with a definite warmth and strength.

"I'm sorry," Haru whispered in his ear after a while. "I'm sorry I didn't realize. I didn't know you were suffering so much." His voice was trembling slightly, too. In Haru's arms, he just continued to cry like a child. He had almost forgotten how warm it felt to be held by someone.

Chapter 27: The Outstretched Hand

When he had cried himself out and calmed down, Haru spoke quietly. "I'm not going to leave." The words were unadorned. But for that very reason, they pierced his heart deeply. "Don't you dare decide on your own that you're a bother or a burden. I'm here because I want to be your friend."

Haru looked at him with a direct gaze. He couldn't find any lies or falsehoods in those eyes. There was only a clumsy but sincere feeling. For the first time, light shone into his heart's fortress from the outside. It was still a faint, small light, but it was definitely illuminating his darkness.

Chapter 28: A Small Step

The next week at school, during lunch break, he walked over to Haru's desk himself. His heart was pounding as if it would burst. His feet felt as heavy as lead. The distance of just a few meters felt like miles. He stopped in front of Haru and barely managed to squeeze out the words. "Want to... eat together?"

Haru looked surprised for a moment, but then his face broke into a smile as bright as the sun. "Of course!" With that one phrase, he felt the tension leave his body. Lunch that day was still a bit tense, but it wasn't tasteless like before. It was a tremendously big step that he had taken of his own will.

Chapter 29: The Lingering Shadow

Of course, not everything was resolved. When he saw Ryo talking to Haru, a small pang of pain still pricked his heart. He was still hurt by the thoughtless words of his classmates. At unexpected moments, the fear that "Haru might leave someday too" would cross his mind like a black shadow.

The monster of distrust and despair that had ruled him for so long would not disappear so easily. It had become a part of his heart. But there was one thing that was decisively different from before. He now had someone who made him feel that he didn't have to fight that shadow alone. That fact was what barely kept him afloat.

Chapter 30: Real Hope

He wakes up. It's the same stained, grey ceiling. His body is still heavy. The world hasn't changed from yesterday. But he knows. He knows that if he goes to school, there will be a friend who will smile awkwardly and say, "Don't push yourself." That presence won't cure his illness, nor does it guarantee that the world will become kinder to him.

Still, that single connection is his entire world. It isn't the dazzling, flippant hope that adults talk about. It is a small, warm, real fragment of light, barely found in the midst of a dark and cold reality. Holding that light close to his chest so as not to lose it, he begins to walk through another day, slowly.